Unspoken words tell stories

∼March 2, 2015∼

{ twins }
I asked you: "can you do me a favor and say this "x" to me next time if asked?"

It's funny how alike you are in the beginning, but in the end you're completely different.

We never used to argue, but now it's a weekly thing. I wonder when we grew apart? Or if it has always been this way..

Were we always this different from each other? And why is that so? 

I love you, but I feel suffocated. I don't know how to talk to you. I don't know how to please you.. Can we rewind to the time where times were more simple?

You say you support my decisions, and I believe you, but why won't you try to listen to my wishes? Are the difficult to answer? Or am I asking too much? 

I know you don't like certain people like I do, but without saying it directly to me — I know. I just need you to show me more faith. I don't like this negative energy of you saying you don't like certain people. I have never been a fan of negativity.

I don't like it. So please say it in another way. Can you please do it for me?

Or should I just accept that you won't change your ways and I should take what I can get?

I am never going be involved with anyone. I might as well live as a frickin nun. It's a frickin hassle anyways. :)

What's your point?

∼February 28, 2015∼

{ .Shady. }
You looked me in the eyes and said:
"But girls shouldn't behave this way. Tell me why.

When will people stop trying to read what I am thinking and why I do what I do.

I can be with whoever I want to be. I can be however I want to be. For the most shallow reasons there may be or the most significant reasons there may be. 

Bottom line is: I decide things. I don't decide on things based on what you think is best for me. And most definitely not as "a female".

I am happy because I choose to be happy. I don't need to conform to your view of how society or your view of women. Oh please; I am old enough to know that I have much to learn, but if you just bring up one opinion which clearly tells me you says double standards — then don't blame me for thinking that you're narrow-minded and I will point out that you have one. 

I am sorry for myself and you — that you feel the need to put out those negative thoughts when you speak to me. That's a shame.

Why can't I do what you do merely for the reason that I am female? Just think about it. If you know it's a double standard and it's stupid then don't bring it up. 

Mothers and fathers create beautiful children so the can be subdued and controlled by others and society? No. You don't. You create these creatures so they can gain wisdom from life and be smart enough to make their own decisions and stand by it.

My happiness is not your happiness. Even if I am unhappy with my decisions, I am still happy that I made the decisions on my own. Screw what you want me to do.  

I don't need your approval. I don't need your acceptance.  What I do; I do for myself. When will people stop having double standards and let me live my life instead of questioning it.

What works for you; that's excellent, good and what not. What works or doesn't work for me; is still my business.

Even when I am in control of things, I might not be. Don't put me in a box because I don't want to be in.

Maybe women have it easier than me. We should just do what's told. 

Do this, do that. Don't use your brain. Just do it.

But best believe; I have never been the kind of girl to do the expected or just because you tell me to. If I want to have shallow life(according to you) while I enjoy the simple perks of life; then let me. 

Don't try to belittle me by saying that I should seek something more meaningful because my eyes aren't yours. You will never be able to understand my way of life. I see what I see. Everything is colored and one moment I see it this way; and the next moment I see it that way.

I have no interest of being stuck in the same place.

Thank you. Yet another day where I learned the tricks of the trades.

#forevergrateful for the ground we walk upon.<3 and for my beloved sister and best friend who accept me for who I am even when they don't understand my ways. The unconditional love I have for you.

Let's get personal

∼February 26, 2015∼

We're all grown so forgive me for any words which will make you look upon me negatively.
So ya'll know: I love most things in life! 

I love my family, my friends, my girls, the boys and yes, the boys.. 
I am all about the positive things in life! 

Lately tho. I have been catching myself adapting new behaviors. 

I remember when I was 19, I was writing to this guy. I was so nervous. I never wrote to anyone in a way which was flirty or more than friendly so this was new for me. I was nervous and it took me literally four hours to reply a text. Eventually I said that I didn't want to continue because he was just bad news as he just wanted to fool around. I respected that and moved on. No broken or hard feelings.

But believe it or not. Those little moments toughened my heart. Next time; replying to guys was easy. I knew what to write, what not to write, what to do, what to say, how to move, how to look. All these little details which will make you think of me in a certain way or have me linger in your mind.

You might say; how'd you know that it has that effect on the guys? Oh well, I mean.. I only do the things which I like. Things I enjoyed. So why would guys feel and be any different?

In the way I think, I am very much like a guy. I am very simple minded and much driven by love and lust. Also I am straightforward and you can tell when I like something. That's very much like some guys who likes to hit on sweet girls. So I do the same.

I hate to admit it tho because of that one guy and the other ones afterwards - it did change me. Like re-wind a year and half back and you can tell I am not the same girl as I used to be. I am still the girl you can count on, but lots of things changed for me this year. Especially when you're in your 20-something and you meet different kinds of people.

Sometimes I get sort of surprised by how far I have moved.
I learned lot of things. Like getting what I want. Not giving a shit what people think of me.

To me, it's sort of a negative thing that I learned all these things which can deceive people, but then I look at it positively. The tricks I learn is to prevent me from getting tricked and played and I only use it on those kind of people. I did learn some tricks from good people too so that's also very good. It's very different what you learn from females and males.  

I mean honestly; I'd rather have the control than being played.

Don't get offended when I don't reply you or write to you. Don't get too personal if you ain't my boyfriend. Don't expect me to do anything for you if you don't do anything yourself. Don't expect me to not give you mixed signals when you do. Don't expect me to be your girl when you are out with other girl. Don't try anything with me if you're already committed. Seriously tho. Be a good boy and just do as you're told. I can do whatever I want because you don't like me in that way - in that let's be bf/gf-kind of way so I can do whatever I want. Don't try to make me feel like we have that kind of vibe because I ain't in it for that.

I might be young and inexperienced, but trust me - I am a fast learner so you betta not mess with me.
Unless you're in it for the long run. <3 then come try. I'll play the same game. Real fast.

But really tho.
Playing hearts ain't the easiest games, but I sure learned the tricks of the trades. 
And for that, I thank you. .
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